Clueless Men and Unsatisfied Wives

For the past couple of years I’ve been writing articles for Dan and Jennifer of the askdanandjennifer.com website.  Lucky for me they live close by and Mike and I have had dinner with them a couple of times and I now consider them to be friends.  They are a great, generous, and hardworking couple of kids.  I’m proud to know them.  They have an interesting website but – be warned they deal with a lot of sexual material.  I personally think this is good thing because they answer a lot of people’s questions about things that are hard to get good answers about.

The Forum Questions

In the past couple of months I’ve been answering a lot of their forum questions – in fact I’ve been doing more of that then writing articles.  It’s as fascinating thing to do because it gets to the hear of what intimacy means to people.  Of course, sex and intimacy are not the same thing – but to most people they are deeply connected.
So many of us seem to have trouble with intimacy and sex simply because we are stuck in the fear based reactions of the Cycle of Egocentrism.  Our old brain reactivity kicks in and we loose sight of ourselves and our partner.

Not so silly message

I watched a silly movie with my daughter yesterday, “Waitress”.  It had the guy from “Serenity” (Nathan Fillion) in it so my daughter wanted to watch it.  It was not all that well written and had a seriously slow pace, but it was cute. Two things struck me about this movie though. The first is that the waitress’s husband, Earl, (played by Jeremy Sisto) was painted as being a “bad husband” from the beginning of the film.   The waitress, played by Keri Russell, never had one bit of empathy for him.  Now, I’ll concede he was a painfully difficult person; he was somewhat abusive and controlling.  But as the movie progressed it became clear he was also in a lot of pain, and horribly incapable of knowing how to connect with his beautiful, uncommunicative wife.  When the waitress did connect with someone it was with a married man (Nathan Fillion) who was also her OB-GYN.  This relationship contrasted with that of her marriage by showing her new lover as being emotionally caring, and sensitive to her feelings.  During the narration she did she stated that she realized how great it felt to have someone really listen to her like what she felt and thought mattered to them.  Obviously her husband didn’t have that gift.

Clueless men and dissatisfied wives

I bring this movie up because it reminded me so much of some of the questions sent in to the forum on Dan and Jennifer’s website.  Clueless men asking why their wives have no interest in sex anymore and dissatisfied wives seeking out connections with other men because their own husbands don’t know how to connect with them emotionally.

“Bad guys”

Now, I realize how I just framed things makes it look like it’s the guys fault for not being emotionally available.  The truth is that it’s not their fault, and it’s not entirely about them not being able.  Men are frequently raised to hold all sign of emotions inside and are not given a vocabulary with which to express their feelings.  They are not supposed to need any kind of affection or nurturing from anyone past about the age of three.  Then we marry them and suddenly they are expected to know how to give and receive nurturing and to talk about feelings; and if they don’t they are a “bad husband”.

When we put people in categories of “bad” and “good” were are limiting them – and ourselves – as human beings.   And it absolves us of any responsibility for what occurs when we label someone else as the “bad” one.

My “bad guys”

I did this during my first two marriages. I was caught up in seeing how “bad” my husbands were at being husbands.  I believed I was the innocent victim wanting intimacy with men who were incapable of expressing it.  I had no desire for sex with them because I didn’t feel the least bit connected with them.  And that, I believed, was because of them.
What I know now is that they and I came into the marriage with baggage from our pasts. We all do.  And I was no more capable of intimacy than they were.  I had to learn how to be empathetic for them, and for myself, in order to allow myself to experience the intimacy I so desperately wanted. To do that I had to let go of the belief in “good” and “bad” guys. Getting out of what I call the Cycle of Egocentrism changes everything.

Is there a “bad guy” in your life?

Tell me what you think? Comment below.

Enemies: A Love Story

Stay or Go?
That’s the question addressed in the series of short stories about women struggling in a bad relationships.  Each of these stories have different women, different relationship issues, and different outcomes.  What is the red threat that holds these stories together?
I guess O thought it was the fact that these women all struggled to find themselves and to muster the courage to do what was right for them, whether it be addressing problems head on and fixing the relationship or leaving.
Egocentric positions
The interesting thing to me is how much egocentrism existed in each of these articles. Each woman felt they were alone in their marriage, and the decision was up to them.  Each flailed about on their own with the decision instead of recognizing the issue as being about a lack of intimacy that was present in the marriage, not just the man.
My own choices
I remember making similar choices twice before in my life. My first to marriages were stuck in a battle for each of our survival and neither of us fared well in the process.  Growth as an individual is impossible if the marriage is not growing too, but growth of the individual is magnified if growth is happening in the marriage.
Making unilateral decisions every day
The funny thing is that in unhealthy relationships we make unilateral decisions about the marriage every day, sometimes every minute. How do we do that? We do that by becoming reactive to our partner and putting up barriers to hold them away from us emotionally.  Sometimes it’s all we can muster. I get that. I lived that. But if we are to push for something more than just mere survival we have to be more compassionate.
What compassion really means
Being compassionate means that we stop seeing our partner as the enemy, the “bad guy”, the “wrong” one.  It means we accept that all of us are not perfect, including us.  When we do that there is a chance of really experiencing closeness, and perhaps even great sex. It changes everything!
What do you think?
Are there times when you just have to accept that your partner is in the wrong and keep your protective boundaries up? Comment below.

The Case for Lasting True Love

Arthur Aron,  a psychologist at Stony Brook, is said to have reported to the Sunday Times that “Traditional views of romance are that it drops off sharply in the first decade”.  But he goes on to say that for some people (10%) romance remains as acute after decades.

Its for real!

“We are sure its real” Aron says.
Researchers at Stony Brook say they scanned the brains of couples that have been together for more than 20 years and then compared them to the brains of newer lovers. The results: 10% had the same level of chemical reactions when showed photos of their loved ones as those whose romance has just begun.
According to earlier research, romantic love fades after 15 months and is completely gone after 10 years! (according to the NY Times)

The real question

My question is: why is it that for 90% of us “love” fades so fast?
What erodes love so quickly? In my experience of working with couples over the past 20 years, its mainly because the “love” most of us start out with has little to do with the person we are “in love” with!  We have a whole slew of fantasies about what and who this person is that we have found. These fantasies only vaguely resemble the object of our “love”.

The illusion

It is impossible to maintain “love” when the illusion that we have woven is broken down by reality. Now, that does not mean the person we picked is not lovable! It just means that what we thought we got is not what we actually got. Surprise, surprise, the person we picked because of our fantasies of who they are doesn’t usually turn out to be who we made up that they were!
Most of us are so desperate for love that we will pretend to have found it even when it is clearly not there.  Stalkers and “fans” are an extreme example. They have no idea who the object of their affection really is, its all made up in their own heads.
When we e discover our lover is not who we think they are we have let go of the illusion.

Disillusionment

The disillusionment stage is generally the phase in which most marriages start to dissolve. Having illusions about who and what someone is means we didn’t really know them in the first place.
Once the illusion is gone we can begin to discover who they really are and here is the real surprise: just because they are not who we thought they were doesn’t mean we can’t love them!

The good news

A lot of pre-arranged marriages become quality, long lasting love affairs. Why is that? Because once we get right down to it, with the right ingredients of behavior and respect we are all loveable!
The good news is that this means we are not as awful as our disillusioned partner may think either. Being dis-illusioned means no longer being stuck in a fantasy. That is a good thing.  Let the disillusionment help you discover your lover, and your lover discover you. Whoa, I know it’s scary but truth really is better than fiction! And, it changes everything.
Comment
Have you suffered a disillusion of you lover? Have you discovered how amazing the real thing is? Do you agree with me or not? Let me know. Comment below.

Domestic Abuse Myths

Five mistakes we make when we talk about Rihanna and Chris
Brown's relationship. Raina Kelley's article, "Domestic Abuse Myths"  was a powerful piece. She is right is some ways, of course, there is a cycle that happens when abuse is taking place and both parties take part in it.  She is also correct in that no one should ever have to accept physical abuse from another person and the "Injured Party" has to get help. 

It's also interesting to note that while the larger the person is the more damage they can do; there are plenty of cases of women being perpetrators of physical abuse to their spouses as well.  These cases to not result in arrests or taking pity on the injured party since they cannot do as much physical damage. Plus, men tend to get laughed at if they complain about a woman abusing them. But the dynamic of physical abuse happens to both men and women. It's just not "manly" to consider yourself as having been abused by a woman."

The thing is, there are five major mistakes when the media and others talk about what transpired between Chris Brown and Rihanna.


Mistake #1 BlameIts easy to blame the perpetrator of abuse for the incident. Its easy to see them as the bad guy because they, clearly, were the ones that lost control and caused physical injury to the other person. But the reality is, both parties are always a part of the cycle and can and do learn to change from a posture of blame and fault to one of empathy and compassion. 

Mistake #2 Considering yourself a Victim
Both parties feel like Victims. When you consider yourself to be a "Victim" of someone else, and the world at large supports that position, you are powerless to do anything to change what is happening.  You are innocent and have no power in the situation.  That's what defines a victim isn't it?

Several years ago Oprah had a show on domestic violence perpetrators. She went to a facilty where men were being treated and given help for their behaviors.  Oprah could not comprehend how these men could possibly behave as they did.  One man, who had taken a frying pan to his wife's head, helped her understand. He told her that what happened is that he felt so out of control, so powerless in the situation that he felt driven to do what ever he had to do to make the pain and misery stop.  At that moment, Oprah got it.  She said, "Oh, it's just like me and food!". 

Rihanna, like other adults being abused, have the power and responsibility to learn from what is happening and take action to change. Chris Brown has the power and responsibilty to learn and take action to change.   But neither is really a Victim.

Mistake #3 Having No EmpathyWhether you are the person being beaten or the person doing the beating, when abuse occurs, it occurs in the absence of empathy.  Neither party has any understanding or empathy of the other person's pain.  Someone who strikes out in fear and pain by hitting someone else feels terrified and horribly alone. They feel as if the person who is supposed to love them and understand them has become their enemy by hurting them beyond tolerance. Of course, then the person they hit feels exactly the same way. But the person beaten is clearly the victim, right?

Learning to have empathy for the person doing the hitting is the only way to change the pattern.  This is not to say excusing the behavior, but it is to say having empathy for the pain and helping the person change. 

On the same Oprah episode, a woman who was in her second marriage and third abusive relationship spoke up.  She said (roughly), "I began to recognize that something that was going on had to have something to do with me.  This was my third relationship in which I was being hit.  I knew this man loved me, but something I was doing had to have something to do with what was going on. When I began to have empathy for what he was going through and how my behavior was impacting him, things began to change."

Mistake #4 Taking No OwnershipWhen we are in a conflict with someone else, the conflict will escalate out of control if one party refuses to take ownership of their part in the conflict. Ever had a conflict with a business? What makes us irrate is when no one in the company will acknowledge that we have been injured. 

In the past few years, hospitals have begun to implement a policy of telling patients who have been injured by malpractice or neglect that they are sorry this happened. The hospitals have recognized that by accepting responsibility they are much less likely to incur legal action if they accept responsibiity than if they do not. This goes against traditional legal views, but is in fact born out in actual statistics. Things do not escalate if when ownership is accepted.
Mistake #5 Not Respecting When someone goes to the hospital with injuries, like Rihanna, or shows up with blackened eyes we assume they had no responsibilty in what occurred and they are incapable of having protected themselves.  This is remarkably disrepectful of the person.  Obviously Rihanna is substantially smaller than Chris Brown, and in an argument turned physical, he clearly has more physical power.  But that does not mean she was powerless. 

When we, as a culture, decide that someone is powerless, we remove any potential for them to behave in responsible ways for themselves.  The result is that we actually cripple them by encouraing them to see themselves as having no power or responsiibility in their situation.  Like the woman on Oprah, Rihanna has to learn how her behaviors impact the relationship and how she can shift her awareness to change the dynamic between the two of them.  Otherwise if its not Chris Brown the next time, it will be someone else. 

Simple Model Not EasyThis simple model, "The Cycles of the Heart" can transform how we experience conflict and our most intimate relationships. It can literally change everything in how we respond to ourselves and the world. But, while it is simple, it is not easy to do. It requires shifting how we have viewed ourselves and our world. It's no small task.

What Do You Think?Have you been a victim of abuse? Have you perpetrated abuse? Do you think I am dead wrong or right on? Let me know. Comment below.

The Practice of Compassion

The Cycles and Teachers

Today I talked to a group of teachers about how the Cycles can work for them in their classrooms, with their administrators and within their own families. I was touched to tears as I told them of an experience I had with my Third Grade teacher, Agnes Conner who recognized the pain I was in and began helping me see value in myself. She did it incrementally, respectfully, empathetically allowing me to see that there was something in this life for me.
As I talked to them I realized what a hard job they have. Now, understand, I come from a family of teachers and know how hard they work and how little they get financially compensated for the most important job in the world next to parenting (also not financially compensated for).  But today I thought about the task of trying to model the Cycles path for their students and with administrators whom have lost sight of their real task.  One woman talked about how the current head of the Houston school district was hired after having bankrupt Corpus Christie’s school district. This administrator increased his own salary by 9%, she said, and then he told all the teachers in the district not to expect any raises in from 3-5 years.  Next he started building stadiums and new schools and laying off teachers.  Talk about failing to take ownership of the realities of the needs of the district!

Are the Cycles “Christian based?”

But in the middle of her frustration she turned to me and said “This is not Christian based is it?” I had ask why she asked that question. She said it is because at some point in my presentation she got chills and it sank in that the Cycles of the Heart is exactly what Christ taught.  I hugged her and thanked her for seeing the heart of the model so clearly.
The practice of Compassion is more than understanding the words.

My Spiritual Path

I remember an experience I had at the age of 13.  I had been exploring Christianity since I was nine, having walked across the street to the United Methodist Church to attend Sunday School by myself because my family didn’t attend, though my Mom said we were “Methodists”. By 13 I had developed a healthy spiritual life of my own and had read the Bible and learned to pray in a way that felt connected and had a real relationship with Jesus and God.  One morning after a long prayer session I suddenly felt a calling to be a minister. I thought, “I’m a girl! And I’m only 13! How is that supposed to happen?”
Well, I did what I could. By this point I had really gotten a sense of what God is and that I could take it literally that “God is Love” as Jesus so often told.  It became a sort of mission for me to express this newfound wisdom with the people I knew.
My opportunity to share my knowledge An opportunity arose for me to share this with my Sunday school class.  Each of us were assigned to be in charge of a lesson for the class. One week a boy in the class brought popular music and talked about how this music drove people to use drugs and about how, as Christians we could not let the music induce us into that world. I was inspired to teach my lesson of love.  I brought in some great popular music at the time about love. I don’t recall what songs I used, but it was 1969 so there was no shortage of music about love. I wrote a slew of poetry expressing my own feelings about the importance of and need for, Love in our lives. I dimmed the lights, lit incense, played the music and read my poetry.  The room was filled with titters and inattentiveness.  Of course, in retrospect I am certain these 13, 14 and 15 year olds could not yet hear what I was trying to communicate.

Teaching something foriegn

This is of course what the middle and high school teachers I talked to this morning are dealing with themselves.  But now, unlike then, I understand the blocks to being able to express love and to be compassionate.  The Cycles of the Heart is a model that clearly lays out a path to being able to practice the compassion that Christ, Budda, Mohamed, the Dali Lama and all the other great Spiritual teachers have taught. So I guess, as it turns out I am a “minister” of sorts, teaching people compassion.

The greatest Spiritual goal

It is the practical application of how to achieve the greatest Spiritual goal of being a compassionate person. Understanding the Cycles of the Heart and practicing it inside of ourselves and outside of ourselves in our relationships, in our workplace, our communities and in our world we really can “change everything!”

What do you think?

I know I have not blogged in a while. I’ve been going through some re-grouping of my life and professional direction in the past couple of weeks. It has not been easy and will not be an easy change, but it is absolutely what is right for me and ultimately, everyone. 
I’d love to hear from you. Tell me what you think about what you know about the power of compassion or how you have applied the Cycles of the Heart to your life. 

The Case for Speaking Truths

Anger phobics tend to avoid speaking their truth at any cost. I think that has been true of me most of my life, for a variety of reasons. Funny thing, though, most of the time it happens is when the person is important to me.  I can say almost anything to a waiter.

But my children, my husband, my best friend, or my boss... well, that is something else altogether.  Speaking my truth to them has a higher cost than it does a waiter.  Only in the past few years have I begun to recognize my misplaced priorities. The waiter or clerk has better things to do than deal with my own misdirected hostilities.  Because the truth is if I come across as angry to them, they don't really care.  They may placate me, but they don't really care. It would be beter to speak my truth to people who care wouldn't it?

Speaking truths to the people who are most important to us can be terrifying.  What if they disown us (our kids or parents) or leave us (our partners or friends)? Being able to speak our truths requires a level of trust and skill in communicating. But if we do it before we have fully explored the feelings ourselvees, it's possible we will incite more conflict than is necessary.

When we practice compassion for ourselves and everyone else, we are more likely to speak truths in such a way as to be heard, and to have a reasonable outcome. When we can own our own truths and speak them with empathy and respect for others we pathe the way for deepening our connections and communication. 

The Ethics of Compassion

The Five Principles
In January 2008 the “Ethics Guy” Bruce Weinstein, Ph. D, started writing abut his “Five Principles” of ethics in Business Week magazine.   His principles are these:
• Do no harm
• Make things better
• Respect others
• Be fair
• Be compassionate
Weinstein says, “These principles reveal the secret to living a rich, satisfying, and happy life, and we have known about them for more than 5,000 years. Every religious tradition in the world teaches them, as do parents in every country.”
Why don’t we do them?
He is right; of course, these are principles we have all been taught for generations. But if we all know about them, why don’t we practice them?
Our primitive brain takes over our rational thinking when we feel threatened in any way, that’s why.  Our sense of threat can come from both irrational and logical sources, but the list of potential threats is endless. And, what is threatening to one person may not be in the least threatening to another.
Our primitive brain
It is only by understanding how our primitive brain works that we can begin to practice compassion and the other principles Weinstein talks about.  Having respect for others is impossible if we feel badly about ourselves.  Being “fair” is impossible if we are fearful of the other person.  Making the commitment to “do no harm” is impossible if we don’t recognize that we are all doing the best we can and we will make mistakes.  We can’t focus on “making things better” when we feel badly about ourselves and we are fearful for our safety or well-being.
Practicing Compassion
To make the leap into the ethics of the practice of compassion requires courage and determination.  Compassion is not just a word to pacify religious scholars.  Compassion is a daily practice that requires first being able to be compassionate with ourselves. Taking the leap means being willing to feel the fear of doing things differently than our primitive survival brains tell us we “have” to do them.
Having compassion for our partner’s hurt feelings when we know we didn’t do anything wrong takes courage.  Having compassion for our co-worker when they are acting like a jerk takes courage.  It takes courage because our instinct is to respond defensively.  When we can learn to respond with compassion instead, it changes everything.
What do you think?
Are you able to let down your defenses when you feel attacked? Does that seem like a crazy thing to do. Tell me about it!