The Forum Questions
In the past couple of months I’ve been answering a lot of their
forum questions – in fact I’ve been doing more of that then writing
articles. It’s as fascinating thing to do because it gets to the hear
of what intimacy means to people. Of course, sex and intimacy are not
the same thing – but to most people they are deeply connected.So many of us seem to have trouble with intimacy and sex simply because we are stuck in the fear based reactions of the Cycle of Egocentrism. Our old brain reactivity kicks in and we loose sight of ourselves and our partner.
Not so silly message
I watched a silly movie with my daughter yesterday, “Waitress”.
It had the guy from “Serenity” (Nathan Fillion) in it so my daughter
wanted to watch it. It was not all that well written and had a
seriously slow pace, but it was cute. Two things struck me about this
movie though. The first is that the waitress’s husband, Earl, (played by
Jeremy Sisto) was painted as being a “bad husband” from the beginning
of the film. The waitress, played by Keri Russell, never had one bit
of empathy for him. Now, I’ll concede he was a painfully difficult
person; he was somewhat abusive and controlling. But as the movie
progressed it became clear he was also in a lot of pain, and horribly
incapable of knowing how to connect with his beautiful, uncommunicative
wife. When the waitress did connect with someone it was with a married
man (Nathan Fillion) who was also her OB-GYN. This relationship
contrasted with that of her marriage by showing her new lover as being
emotionally caring, and sensitive to her feelings. During the narration
she did she stated that she realized how great it felt to have someone
really listen to her like what she felt and thought mattered to them.
Obviously her husband didn’t have that gift.
Clueless men and dissatisfied wives
I bring this movie up because it reminded me so much of some of
the questions sent in to the forum on Dan and Jennifer’s website.
Clueless men asking why their wives have no interest in sex anymore and
dissatisfied wives seeking out connections with other men because their
own husbands don’t know how to connect with them emotionally.
“Bad guys”
Now, I realize how I just framed things makes it look like it’s
the guys fault for not being emotionally available. The truth is that
it’s not their fault, and it’s not entirely about them not being able.
Men are frequently raised to hold all sign of emotions inside and are
not given a vocabulary with which to express their feelings. They are
not supposed to need any kind of affection or nurturing from anyone past
about the age of three. Then we marry them and suddenly they are
expected to know how to give and receive nurturing and to talk about
feelings; and if they don’t they are a “bad husband”.
When we put people in categories of “bad” and “good” were are
limiting them – and ourselves – as human beings. And it absolves us of
any responsibility for what occurs when we label someone else as the
“bad” one.
My “bad guys”
I did this during my first two marriages. I was caught up in
seeing how “bad” my husbands were at being husbands. I believed I was
the innocent victim wanting intimacy with men who were incapable of
expressing it. I had no desire for sex with them because I didn’t feel
the least bit connected with them. And that, I believed, was because of
them.What I know now is that they and I came into the marriage with baggage from our pasts. We all do. And I was no more capable of intimacy than they were. I had to learn how to be empathetic for them, and for myself, in order to allow myself to experience the intimacy I so desperately wanted. To do that I had to let go of the belief in “good” and “bad” guys. Getting out of what I call the Cycle of Egocentrism changes everything.
Is there a “bad guy” in your life?
Tell me what you think? Comment below.
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