Domestic Abuse Myths

Five mistakes we make when we talk about Rihanna and Chris
Brown's relationship. Raina Kelley's article, "Domestic Abuse Myths"  was a powerful piece. She is right is some ways, of course, there is a cycle that happens when abuse is taking place and both parties take part in it.  She is also correct in that no one should ever have to accept physical abuse from another person and the "Injured Party" has to get help. 

It's also interesting to note that while the larger the person is the more damage they can do; there are plenty of cases of women being perpetrators of physical abuse to their spouses as well.  These cases to not result in arrests or taking pity on the injured party since they cannot do as much physical damage. Plus, men tend to get laughed at if they complain about a woman abusing them. But the dynamic of physical abuse happens to both men and women. It's just not "manly" to consider yourself as having been abused by a woman."

The thing is, there are five major mistakes when the media and others talk about what transpired between Chris Brown and Rihanna.


Mistake #1 BlameIts easy to blame the perpetrator of abuse for the incident. Its easy to see them as the bad guy because they, clearly, were the ones that lost control and caused physical injury to the other person. But the reality is, both parties are always a part of the cycle and can and do learn to change from a posture of blame and fault to one of empathy and compassion. 

Mistake #2 Considering yourself a Victim
Both parties feel like Victims. When you consider yourself to be a "Victim" of someone else, and the world at large supports that position, you are powerless to do anything to change what is happening.  You are innocent and have no power in the situation.  That's what defines a victim isn't it?

Several years ago Oprah had a show on domestic violence perpetrators. She went to a facilty where men were being treated and given help for their behaviors.  Oprah could not comprehend how these men could possibly behave as they did.  One man, who had taken a frying pan to his wife's head, helped her understand. He told her that what happened is that he felt so out of control, so powerless in the situation that he felt driven to do what ever he had to do to make the pain and misery stop.  At that moment, Oprah got it.  She said, "Oh, it's just like me and food!". 

Rihanna, like other adults being abused, have the power and responsibility to learn from what is happening and take action to change. Chris Brown has the power and responsibilty to learn and take action to change.   But neither is really a Victim.

Mistake #3 Having No EmpathyWhether you are the person being beaten or the person doing the beating, when abuse occurs, it occurs in the absence of empathy.  Neither party has any understanding or empathy of the other person's pain.  Someone who strikes out in fear and pain by hitting someone else feels terrified and horribly alone. They feel as if the person who is supposed to love them and understand them has become their enemy by hurting them beyond tolerance. Of course, then the person they hit feels exactly the same way. But the person beaten is clearly the victim, right?

Learning to have empathy for the person doing the hitting is the only way to change the pattern.  This is not to say excusing the behavior, but it is to say having empathy for the pain and helping the person change. 

On the same Oprah episode, a woman who was in her second marriage and third abusive relationship spoke up.  She said (roughly), "I began to recognize that something that was going on had to have something to do with me.  This was my third relationship in which I was being hit.  I knew this man loved me, but something I was doing had to have something to do with what was going on. When I began to have empathy for what he was going through and how my behavior was impacting him, things began to change."

Mistake #4 Taking No OwnershipWhen we are in a conflict with someone else, the conflict will escalate out of control if one party refuses to take ownership of their part in the conflict. Ever had a conflict with a business? What makes us irrate is when no one in the company will acknowledge that we have been injured. 

In the past few years, hospitals have begun to implement a policy of telling patients who have been injured by malpractice or neglect that they are sorry this happened. The hospitals have recognized that by accepting responsibility they are much less likely to incur legal action if they accept responsibiity than if they do not. This goes against traditional legal views, but is in fact born out in actual statistics. Things do not escalate if when ownership is accepted.
Mistake #5 Not Respecting When someone goes to the hospital with injuries, like Rihanna, or shows up with blackened eyes we assume they had no responsibilty in what occurred and they are incapable of having protected themselves.  This is remarkably disrepectful of the person.  Obviously Rihanna is substantially smaller than Chris Brown, and in an argument turned physical, he clearly has more physical power.  But that does not mean she was powerless. 

When we, as a culture, decide that someone is powerless, we remove any potential for them to behave in responsible ways for themselves.  The result is that we actually cripple them by encouraing them to see themselves as having no power or responsiibility in their situation.  Like the woman on Oprah, Rihanna has to learn how her behaviors impact the relationship and how she can shift her awareness to change the dynamic between the two of them.  Otherwise if its not Chris Brown the next time, it will be someone else. 

Simple Model Not EasyThis simple model, "The Cycles of the Heart" can transform how we experience conflict and our most intimate relationships. It can literally change everything in how we respond to ourselves and the world. But, while it is simple, it is not easy to do. It requires shifting how we have viewed ourselves and our world. It's no small task.

What Do You Think?Have you been a victim of abuse? Have you perpetrated abuse? Do you think I am dead wrong or right on? Let me know. Comment below.

The Practice of Compassion

The Cycles and Teachers

Today I talked to a group of teachers about how the Cycles can work for them in their classrooms, with their administrators and within their own families. I was touched to tears as I told them of an experience I had with my Third Grade teacher, Agnes Conner who recognized the pain I was in and began helping me see value in myself. She did it incrementally, respectfully, empathetically allowing me to see that there was something in this life for me.
As I talked to them I realized what a hard job they have. Now, understand, I come from a family of teachers and know how hard they work and how little they get financially compensated for the most important job in the world next to parenting (also not financially compensated for).  But today I thought about the task of trying to model the Cycles path for their students and with administrators whom have lost sight of their real task.  One woman talked about how the current head of the Houston school district was hired after having bankrupt Corpus Christie’s school district. This administrator increased his own salary by 9%, she said, and then he told all the teachers in the district not to expect any raises in from 3-5 years.  Next he started building stadiums and new schools and laying off teachers.  Talk about failing to take ownership of the realities of the needs of the district!

Are the Cycles “Christian based?”

But in the middle of her frustration she turned to me and said “This is not Christian based is it?” I had ask why she asked that question. She said it is because at some point in my presentation she got chills and it sank in that the Cycles of the Heart is exactly what Christ taught.  I hugged her and thanked her for seeing the heart of the model so clearly.
The practice of Compassion is more than understanding the words.

My Spiritual Path

I remember an experience I had at the age of 13.  I had been exploring Christianity since I was nine, having walked across the street to the United Methodist Church to attend Sunday School by myself because my family didn’t attend, though my Mom said we were “Methodists”. By 13 I had developed a healthy spiritual life of my own and had read the Bible and learned to pray in a way that felt connected and had a real relationship with Jesus and God.  One morning after a long prayer session I suddenly felt a calling to be a minister. I thought, “I’m a girl! And I’m only 13! How is that supposed to happen?”
Well, I did what I could. By this point I had really gotten a sense of what God is and that I could take it literally that “God is Love” as Jesus so often told.  It became a sort of mission for me to express this newfound wisdom with the people I knew.
My opportunity to share my knowledge An opportunity arose for me to share this with my Sunday school class.  Each of us were assigned to be in charge of a lesson for the class. One week a boy in the class brought popular music and talked about how this music drove people to use drugs and about how, as Christians we could not let the music induce us into that world. I was inspired to teach my lesson of love.  I brought in some great popular music at the time about love. I don’t recall what songs I used, but it was 1969 so there was no shortage of music about love. I wrote a slew of poetry expressing my own feelings about the importance of and need for, Love in our lives. I dimmed the lights, lit incense, played the music and read my poetry.  The room was filled with titters and inattentiveness.  Of course, in retrospect I am certain these 13, 14 and 15 year olds could not yet hear what I was trying to communicate.

Teaching something foriegn

This is of course what the middle and high school teachers I talked to this morning are dealing with themselves.  But now, unlike then, I understand the blocks to being able to express love and to be compassionate.  The Cycles of the Heart is a model that clearly lays out a path to being able to practice the compassion that Christ, Budda, Mohamed, the Dali Lama and all the other great Spiritual teachers have taught. So I guess, as it turns out I am a “minister” of sorts, teaching people compassion.

The greatest Spiritual goal

It is the practical application of how to achieve the greatest Spiritual goal of being a compassionate person. Understanding the Cycles of the Heart and practicing it inside of ourselves and outside of ourselves in our relationships, in our workplace, our communities and in our world we really can “change everything!”

What do you think?

I know I have not blogged in a while. I’ve been going through some re-grouping of my life and professional direction in the past couple of weeks. It has not been easy and will not be an easy change, but it is absolutely what is right for me and ultimately, everyone. 
I’d love to hear from you. Tell me what you think about what you know about the power of compassion or how you have applied the Cycles of the Heart to your life. 

The Case for Speaking Truths

Anger phobics tend to avoid speaking their truth at any cost. I think that has been true of me most of my life, for a variety of reasons. Funny thing, though, most of the time it happens is when the person is important to me.  I can say almost anything to a waiter.

But my children, my husband, my best friend, or my boss... well, that is something else altogether.  Speaking my truth to them has a higher cost than it does a waiter.  Only in the past few years have I begun to recognize my misplaced priorities. The waiter or clerk has better things to do than deal with my own misdirected hostilities.  Because the truth is if I come across as angry to them, they don't really care.  They may placate me, but they don't really care. It would be beter to speak my truth to people who care wouldn't it?

Speaking truths to the people who are most important to us can be terrifying.  What if they disown us (our kids or parents) or leave us (our partners or friends)? Being able to speak our truths requires a level of trust and skill in communicating. But if we do it before we have fully explored the feelings ourselvees, it's possible we will incite more conflict than is necessary.

When we practice compassion for ourselves and everyone else, we are more likely to speak truths in such a way as to be heard, and to have a reasonable outcome. When we can own our own truths and speak them with empathy and respect for others we pathe the way for deepening our connections and communication. 

The Ethics of Compassion

The Five Principles
In January 2008 the “Ethics Guy” Bruce Weinstein, Ph. D, started writing abut his “Five Principles” of ethics in Business Week magazine.   His principles are these:
• Do no harm
• Make things better
• Respect others
• Be fair
• Be compassionate
Weinstein says, “These principles reveal the secret to living a rich, satisfying, and happy life, and we have known about them for more than 5,000 years. Every religious tradition in the world teaches them, as do parents in every country.”
Why don’t we do them?
He is right; of course, these are principles we have all been taught for generations. But if we all know about them, why don’t we practice them?
Our primitive brain takes over our rational thinking when we feel threatened in any way, that’s why.  Our sense of threat can come from both irrational and logical sources, but the list of potential threats is endless. And, what is threatening to one person may not be in the least threatening to another.
Our primitive brain
It is only by understanding how our primitive brain works that we can begin to practice compassion and the other principles Weinstein talks about.  Having respect for others is impossible if we feel badly about ourselves.  Being “fair” is impossible if we are fearful of the other person.  Making the commitment to “do no harm” is impossible if we don’t recognize that we are all doing the best we can and we will make mistakes.  We can’t focus on “making things better” when we feel badly about ourselves and we are fearful for our safety or well-being.
Practicing Compassion
To make the leap into the ethics of the practice of compassion requires courage and determination.  Compassion is not just a word to pacify religious scholars.  Compassion is a daily practice that requires first being able to be compassionate with ourselves. Taking the leap means being willing to feel the fear of doing things differently than our primitive survival brains tell us we “have” to do them.
Having compassion for our partner’s hurt feelings when we know we didn’t do anything wrong takes courage.  Having compassion for our co-worker when they are acting like a jerk takes courage.  It takes courage because our instinct is to respond defensively.  When we can learn to respond with compassion instead, it changes everything.
What do you think?
Are you able to let down your defenses when you feel attacked? Does that seem like a crazy thing to do. Tell me about it!

The Case Against Selfless Love?

This week someone told me "I don't think I will encourage my children to love selflessly the way I have." I thought about this a lot. The idea that we are only truly loving if we are "selfless" is such a stupid myth.
What people think they are doing when they are "loving selflessly" is that they are being big hearted and noble. In fact, what they are doing is being a Rescuer. Being a Rescuer means suppressing you own needs and wants in deference to the needs and wants of another. You do this because you think the other person "needs" this from you.
You convince yourself that the other person's needs and wants are more important than yours. Or perhaps you do it because you fear a loss of connection in the relationship if you don't. You don't want the other person to know what you really think, feel or need because then how would you feel if they didn't care? Or you don't share those things because you really don't think they can handle it. Either way, you are not being honest and you are in fact driving a wedge between you.
So the next time you are tempted to be "selfless" ask yourself if it really is that, or is it that you choose to not honor what's important to you just because it's easier to not respect the person than it is to tell the truth.
Feel free to comment, I'd love to hear what you think!

Marriage is Hard

Last week Newsweek ran an article about how the fundamental Christian's are having a hard time staying out of divorce court. The rate of divorce among fundamental Christians is significantly higher, Lisa Miller says, than the national average.
Yet of course, the Smart Marriages coalition and the anti gay marriage activists all claim marriage as their highest value. So why is it if this is the highest value for this group, that their marriages fail?
Not being a part of a fundamental Christian group myself I can only conjecture. But I do believe its a failure of learning, not values.
Christians are often caught in a belief system that does not allow them to seek help outside the church. The church provides counseling of course, but a "Christian Counselor" does not have to be licensed or even have any kind of degree, they simply have to have a reputation as a Christian.
Simply being a Christian Counselor does not necessarily give a person the ability to help people negotiate the difficult task of making healthy marriage.
Having sex is an important part of that and since it is such a taboo subject for most Christians, talking about sex is akin to talking about Satan himself. I believe if we, as Christians, could change that one hang up, our marriages would stand a better chance!

Men are Pigs and Other Lies

I'm not sure when it happened, but at some point I began suspecting that our culture has turned the tide on "anti-feminism" and has become "anti-male".  As a mother of a young man who is remarkable, I find this repulsive.

It's so insidious that its likely we won't even notice it. I've noticed it myself at various times. First, I started noticing it in male bashing commercials. Then, in the dialogue of my friends and female clients. The jokes are so commonplace that they have become as real as the air we breathe.

We have become so inured to it that we don't even notice it. We assume boys are quicker to anger, and are less able to control their sexual impulses.  We laugh about a man's inability to know how to hold a baby (never mind that he may never have been allowed to hold a child before).

This week, on Oprah! I was shocked to have it thrown out inadvertently both  by Oprah herself, and the mental health professional on her show. Drew Pinsky, an addiction specialist and host of the VH1 reality series Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew, said he thinks women are "the better part of humanity, containing all the good things about humans" or some such nonsense.  What a sad statement of our culture that even our men are convinced they are less-than!

Oprah, being her sincere, caring self was able to offer a lot of empathy for the young woman on her show who had behaved disrespectfully toward all the men in her life.  But in the next sentence, to her other guest, she said, that, well, in getting better (in the sex addictions) women would learn to avoid the "jerks".  So, the bottom line is, she can have empathy for the females who behave irresponsibly and cruelly toward men, but the men who demonstrate the same behavior are "jerks"!

Until we find a way to have compassion for all us, and drop the habit of bashing men (or women) our divorce rate will continue to climb, and men will continue to have "anger issues" (said as if they have no reason to be an

Saying Im Sorry Is Hard

Saying I’m sorry is hard, and it’s especially hard to say it to someone who we are pretty sure doesn’t trust anything we say. It can feel like an act of surrender and will give the other person power over you, or will open you up to the possibility of further attack. But would you rather be right than be in the relationship?

The person who feels you harmed them often badmouths you, and that makes it even harder to apologize. Once you have been labeled as a bad guy, your need for self protection increases and it’s really difficult to get those words out.

Admission of ownership or remorse can throw you into the victim corner and bring up feelings of shame.

Often, there is a very bad start when you try to make a verbal apology. The person you are apologizing to may say something like; "You should be sorry!” or "Too little too late", or "I've heard that one before", or "How do I know you won't do it again?" Reactive responses like these come from anger or hurt feelings, but its part of the process.

The words you choose really do make a difference. "I apologize for hurting you" is a lot easier to take than "I apologize if what I said seemed hurtful." And even that is not as strong as "I'm sorry I said you aren’t helping." Don’t qualify it with a “But you” or “But I”… it takes the power out of your apology.

When you are the type of person that tries very hard to do the right thing, to be considerate, and to be helpful, but your efforts to please have backfired - it's just a tremendous letdown to have hurt someone. Accepting that disappointment in yourself can be very difficult and apologizing requires overcoming your sense of shame.

What lies underneath is pride. I don’t mean selfish, arrogant pride; it’s the pride you take in who you are and what you do. Basically your self-esteem is at risk. So to admit that you’re wrong means that you’re admitting that you made a misstep, and that hurts your self-esteem.

Tips for getting an apology:
1. You are a lot more likely to get one if your rebuke conveys your belief in other person’s basic goodness.
2. Publicly chastising someone exposes them to even more humiliation, making an apology even more of a challenge.
3. If the person you want an apology from is someone you know takes pride in themselves, expect it to be hard, and try to make it safer for them by expressing your love or respect for them.

Tips for giving an apology:
1. Express understanding of the other person’s hurt feelings, and that you appreciate why they are angry. (Justifying your feelings will likely be interpreted as you missing the point of an apology.)
2. Communicating vulnerability can help, even if it’s hard to do.
3. Be as specific as you can about the mistake, and as clear as you can about your responsibility.
4. Allow the person time to think about your apology—the time they take may vary but the offended person has the right to determine how much time that should be.
5. Clearly request forgiveness but don't expect or demand it.

I’ve come to the conclusion that we are all very fragile beings. We may pretend we are not, we may even be pretty good at it, but we are.  We also have wounds and unmet needs from our childhood that get played out in every relationship we have as adults, which makes our interactions way more complex than we realize.

Gracefully confronting someone with a wrong, and navigating an apology can be very tricky, and very painful.  Recognizing the difficulty of the action while at the same time honoring our own need to hear it, is the trick.